“Anyone who believes this crap should choke and die. That would make me truly happy.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Theory of Happiness

The Theory of Happiness was first discovered in the Middle Ages by the now infamous Marquis de Sade during the year 1848. He postulated that in the world, there was a finite, unchanging amount of Happiness. Like energy under the Theories of Thermodynamics, Happiness cannot be created or destroyed. During the beginning of the creation of the world, Happiness existed entirely independently of the world. This Happiness would later be consumed by people as they were created.

At birth, as theorized by the Marquis de Sade, each person receives a given amount of Happiness, hereafter refered to as one (1) Happiness. Now that people exist in vast numbers, he believed that Happiness no longer existed independently of the world, for all Happiness was now intrinsic to people.

The only way to increase one’s own level of Happiness would therefore be to obtain it from other people. Following Machiavellia’s theory of politics, the Marquis de Sade rose to power with the only intent of increasing his own Happiness. He realized, of course, that other people would not give up their Happiness easily. In order to remove them of their Happiness, the Marquis de Sade knew he would have to use a great deal of force. It is estimated that in his quest for gaining the Happiness of others, the Marquis de Sade tortured (but never killed) over 300 young women in his household. As a true disciple of Happiness, it is believed that he did not actually kill anyone, for their happiness would have thus been unharnessed. It is for this reason that people who now follow the true path to Happiness are called sadists, as they act in the image of their originator.

After the death of the glorious Marquis de Sade, it is believed that the Theory of Happiness was lost until approximately 1935, when it was rediscovered by Adolf Hitler. Hitler, however, had new and startlying theories that he added to the original. It was his belief that as one obtained additional Happiness, the 1 Happiness you obtained from another person counted for less and less. For instance, we all start with 1 Happiness. If you take the Happiness of one other person, you have thus doubled your Happiness. However, say you now gain 1 more Happiness, that 1 Happiness is only worth 1/2 of what the previous Happiness was worth. Hitler theorized that in this way, Happiness was addictive. As you gained more and more, you needed yet greater levels of Happiness to feel as though you were gaining the same high. Hitler believed, unlike the Marquis, that even if the holder of the Happiness died, as long as they were feeling displeasure at the time of their demise, the Happiness could still be bottled. In his quest for Happiness, it is believed that Hitler killed approximately 6 million, ending his life with a sum total of 6 million and one Happiness.

Then again, the theory lay dormant until the 21st century, when it was rediscovered by a young man named Steven Atkins in the year 2005. As an Orthodox sadist, Steven believed in the Marquis’ version of Happiness: that if death were encountered, the Happiness would be lost.

Following his beliefs, Steven launched an attempt to gain Happiness that was previously impossible: he used the internet. When the 6th Book of the famous “Harry Potter” series came out, he seized his opportunity. He had additional acolytes of his faith read the book, such that he would not suffer its vileness. Having obtained the secret ending, he went to work. Using the Google Internet Search function, he scoured the internet until he found the largest online Harry Potter commmunity he could. Joining the web forums, he set his username to the secret ending: SnapeKillsDumbledore, and began posting in all the threads he could find. Victims of his act were enraged, and Steven was denounced as many things he was not, but he was never called by his true title: Disciple of Happiness. The people screamed and cried as they witnessed the ending to the book, but there was nothing they could do, no act could undo their knowledge.

Via number of viewings of Steven’s posts, it is believed that Steven obtained about 600-2000 Happiness in his endeavours. While Steven refused to comment, his disciples explained that he is patiently awaiting the 7th and final book, such that he can hopefully obtain an as yet unrealized amount of Happiness.

Until that time, the Theory lies dormant, unused. It still awaits a true and pure believer.